unsubscribed from Substack friends.
I thought you were different but honestly Substack you are no different than all the other social media apps.
I saw something on the internet the other day asking the kids growing up who used to cry when they got mad how they were doing now as adults. At first, I laughed because that was a distant memory from years ago, a nostalgic moment as we call it now. Once the laughter faded it started to sink in, I’m not okay.
News Flash!
For a couple of months on this platform, I have suffered in silence from private bullying, policing, and genuine attempts at friendships dissolved before they could fully sprout. The more I go out of my way to help, the more I realize I should stop trying to help. When I get to know people’s passions I get excited in all the ways I know I could help to get them on track to that goal, but my help comes unsolicited.1
This is one of the qualities about myself I don’t enjoy because truth be told I need to put this focus and energy into my own damn business endeavors. Why do I have to try and always help someone else?
The duality of me holding myself accountable2 and grieving the loss of a potential friendship that could have made it offline in this piece is my healing. I’ve held these feelings in for a long time allowing situation after situation to pile up. I don’t subscribe to drama yet the discomfort of conflict continues to find me the more I step boldly into my potential.
But then on the other hand I come in contact with these people in life who encourage me to take the leap of faith but are never around once I land. Exploring this made me realize I struggle with showing up because I carry the guilt of following through with the encouragement but not being met with the celebration. I read and feel energy, and I know when people switch their energy towards me. I see, feel, sense, and detect it yet it’s rare for someone to be honest about their true feelings towards me. I battle in silence playing back memories like a high school kid eager to be better watching game replays in a locker room after the game.
The difference between now and then is that I’m watching these replays isolating myself in the locker room but we won the game and my teammates who played with me are in the other room celebrating.
I struggle to celebrate the people who support me when I’m grieving the loss of the ones I thought would be there celebrating. It feels like I leap forward but my body is delayed carrying the emotions3 from the conflicts experienced. I tried to meditate it away, wash it away in the shower, and journal it away, but it’s all been in private. My commitment to myself for this publication account is to explore my vulnerability, now that the account is almost at 400 subscribers I find myself struggling to show up even when it’s not glitz and glam, or love and light. Healing for me in these situations is to show up for myself speak my truth, and share my story.
My heart is pure, my love is unconditional, and my intention is from a genuine place. People that interact with me know this, feel this, and understand this. It breaks my heart when I communicate with people in private we inspire each other to take huge leaps of faith and when I leap the love feels fake. The check-ins stop, the likes fade away, the restacks and support vanishes.
Growing up my mom used to try and comfort me in these moments by saying girls are just jealous. For a long time, I believed her, it conditioned me to look past it when it happened until I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I can’t take this pain anymore. Truth is I’m angry, I want to call everyone out one by one with receipts4 to back my words but my ego cannot take the lead on this one, my heart must.
It breaks my heart to think there could be people I’ve connected with who are jealous of perceived success when they know my story.5 I accept that it’s easier for people to count you out than to count you in so I choose to share my story with you, the people who do show up for me, who do read my vulnerable word, who do support me.
I unsubscribe from unsolicited support to people who do not support me. I subscribe to being selfish with my energy and whom I choose to give it to. I unsubscribe from the belief that I owe anyone anything on this platform. I subscribe to my mission to show up authentically to inspire my community while helping to build a network to support each other.
I put people on like it’s an obligation whether they ask. Big Sean has a lyric along these lines in the song Still I Rise.
“I should have listened to my intuition I put myself in this position it’s all my fault.” This song Against Me captures EXACTLY how I feel navigating these emotions without proof or honest conversations to allow closure in these connections.
You might as well call me Bag Lady because I haven’t been holding on to only me and all this baggage had gotten in my way. This piece is me making my peace with the baggage I’ve carried.
My anger and tears cause me to want to react to my feelings being hurt and my kindness is taken for granted. Cardi B’s whole verse in Point Me 2 is the energy I wanted to have toward the people who bullied/hurt me. Specifically, the part where she says “I’m really eating bitches up, I’m out chewing shit. Too many bitches in my city think they doing shit. Too many opps that I don’t know, bitch who the fuck is this? Scared to face me by theyself they start recruiting shit. I call them pussy to they face, they don’t be doing shit. And I am ready with receipts, I be proving shit.” This is an unapologetic side of myself that only comes out in private and I can’t wait for the day she makes her appearance and starts to pop her shit, until then she will speak through the lyrics of songs.
"…hood nigga in a foreign on E" from the song Said Sum is the perfect line to describe my perceived success. Yes, I moved to my dream state and live downtown in a large city. However, my story is still developing and I notice how some people don’t appreciate what they do have by getting caught up in their perception of my situation. I don’t have a pair of pants for each day of the week, nor a shirt. We pay $5 to wash and dry a load of clothes and because we don’t have a full week's worth of clothes we spend $10+ a week just having clean clothes on our back. The internet allows people to show the parts of their lives they want to display, I choose to share all of my truths the good and bad, yet I am still met with weird energy after letting people I viewed close to me in. Moneybag says “Rappers with mixed feelings, I ain’t fucking with ‘em”, a mood.
I battle with a lot of what you wrote here too. I am seeing more and more that people on all these social media platforms have an agenda….we all do, whether that agenda is to make friends, make money, be seen and heard, promote our cause, or be supported and circulated.
And now, I tread carefully with making friends online - especially in the climate we’re in energetically. Everyone and everything is falling apart and being brought to see their own naked ness…. for as long as they’re willing to. The collective shadow of humanity is flying amuck.
We’re all trying to make it right now in a broken world where we’re falling apart too, and trying to discern if it’s safe to crumble around some, or if they will try to deplete us more in their struggle for a temporary ego hit. The shadow wars are real, and as a highly sensitive person, I I find it difficult to participate on these platforms most days because just going through notes can disturb my frequency.
I am also guilty of encouraging people to go forward and past their own fears and limitations, but I’m not always loyal in following through anymore. Not because I don’t want to or am insincere, but because it is hard sometimes to show up for others when I need to be showing up for myself and my children.
It’s hard to pull myself away from helping others because as a child I was made to feel useless unless I was doing, or contributing. As an adult, I am healing and trying to strike the balance - finding my true identity outside of being a people pleaser, outside of seeking love for how I can show up for others and sacrifice myself.
I am learning how to sincerely want and nurture the best in others without martyring myself. I am learning how to be self-preserving, and therefore seeing whose agenda truly aligns with my own….because so many love to prey on my desire to give and help, or just on my confidence and light.
I hope you find your balance because it is hard. I am trying to figure out my own level of feeling comfortable with the “social” aspect of social media because on many days it all feels fake and contrived to me. Maybe that is my own jadedness and heartbreak, but I can’t deny it is what I feel.
I am focusing now solely on doing what I want to do in these spaces, with the hope that once the dust settles, I will be aligned with those who genuinely wish me well and love my craft for no other reason than that they vibe with my frequency.
I applaud you setting your boundaries for what you will or won’t subscribe to here or anywhere…I’m a big proponent of that. I wish you the best, and that you find those who are doing the deep soul work that allows for them to love you sincerely in spaces like these… as I do the work too.
Leo season flares up the petty jealousies that people don’t want to take accountability for, and if you shine bright….this time of the year can feel cutting, especially as the full moon in Aquarius gets closer. Just wanted you to know you’re not alone in what you’re going through 🤗✨
Sista Jacquieeeee….welcome to da Wild Wild West…😂🤗🥰 detachment is painful at first but NECESSARY when you are commissioned to be a LEADER.
Real appreciation goes a lot further than fake love.
And there’s a lot of that on social media.
Especially from bitches cuz their nature is jealous and their EGOs feel judged in the presence of healed ones.
Never let em censor you: Your true audience is waiting for you to show up AUTHENTIC errytime.
NEVER let em bully you: Same way they can easily see your sweet smile is how easy they can catch di SWIFT BACKHAND when they disrespect you.
(Also you can send me names 😏🥷🏼)
I’m not sorry you’re going through this because this is a part of the unbeaten path to your ASCENSION to FREEDOM.
I am happy to be your acquaintance and blessed by your heart for your people.
You got this. ❤️