seagulls on 11th st.
Is there a life without struggles, or is life about not letting the struggles knock you down? Why do we derive ourselves of fun as justification for our pain endured through struggles in life?
When I first started this draft and quickly put down my ideas to help jot my memory at this moment, I remember not knowing what was about to transpire in my life but feeling so grounded throughout the process. Last week, I experienced fun for the first time in a while not knee-slapping I just ‘bout pee’d my pants fun, but I enjoyed myself without trying to control the outcome.
quick reflect.
I don’t know how to have fun as an adult. In college, I got drunk at clubs which I thought adults did for fun. I picked up smoking as a hobby but now that only serves as a prescription to life. Fun for me, at 33 looks more like allowing my creativity to roar.
As I reflect on the past year, my life has expanded in some crazy ways because I leaned more into my creative flow, and not just creativity but the flow of life. I had to learn how to stop trying to make life fit into my plans and flow with the plans life had orchestrated for me.
Like this morning waking up to the smell of coffee brewing as the sun rises in my studio apartment. The freedom to get out of bed in just my t-shirt and my panties1 to make a cup of coffee come back to bed, grab my laptop off the side table, and chief on this blunt my wife pearled. Background noise is familiar but blended and mixed in a way that I could have never imagined, seagulls and the sounds of downtown with cars honking, sirens, construction, garage truck brakes squicking, the random snippets of music, and the birds. As I describe what I love most about being home I can paint this beautiful picture of this ideal space.
The reality of what my home looks like is less say, proof of my disbelief in myself and my capabilities to obtain the life of my dreams. This space I am in some would view as survival-ish. However, for me and my family, it was a smart and calculated move. It’s not often you find everything YOU need to be packaged in one with a big fucking bow on top. But I did, and when I presented the idea to my wife she was in support the entire way, we did this together not only as a sacrifice to be where we truly desire to be but as a way for us to have a sense of freedom and self-sufficiency.
struggle, self-sufficiency, escape if you can.
I talk about self-sufficiency a lot on and off but it’s because I don’t think a lot of people understand what I mean when I talk about it. Living on the farm taught me a lot about my ability to survive outside of keeping a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food on the table. If you rely on the grocery stores to eat or restaurants, then you lack self-sufficiency. With all of this Presidential drama, and WWIII waiting to be announced any day with Russia sitting comfortably on the coast of Miami, we should be thinking forward and using history as a preparation manual.
That’s kind of what set this whole journey off for me. Spiritually, I knew there was going to be a reset on Earth and I would be a community leader to help my people survive. But how do you say that to people, especially Black people?
‘I’m about to free you niggas and teach you how to live off the land, call me modern-day Harriet Tubman!’
When this piece was first a spark of inspiration based on a conversation between
and myself in the comments of one of my Notes, I was gut-punched by the comment she made above. I was shocked to find that my pain had taken over my life so much that even someone on the internet could recognize how broken I was from my experiences. That is what forced me to spend time with my family last week, we went to the movies to see Inside Out 2, visited the beach, and made slime together. My daughter’s new obsession is making slime and pretending that she is recording it for her YouTube channel, which she does not have. After that conversation with Alex, I knew this piece would be completed once I experienced my daily dose of fun and play as a prescription for the pain caused by self-doubt.Be a rebel to your doubt. That is what my wife told me as we applied for our first apartment TOGETHER.
I doubted myself and my mission throughout this entire journey mainly because I didn’t understand it. Why me? I’m 5’4 with no physical strength not even in my most healthy state. As I say it out loud it kind of answers itself, why not me? I live my life dedicated to following my dreams and inner guidance, not many people do that based on logic and a perception of how you should be living.
the quest.
the farm
Before things in Palestine began to occur I had this magnetic pull to get to California immediately but along the way, I would gain some useful skills. When found a program called WWOOF, and signed up my family and I were excited about our new adventure so we sold all our stuff and moved to a farm on a 6 month contract. I put my all into the farm as the acting farm manager - organizing harvest and transplanting days based on the Biodynamic farming calendar, harvesting, cleaning, and packaging food bank and CSA sharecrops, and preparing spaces for new WWOOFers to come and share these experiences. It was a fulfilling dream until I realized I was doing all of this for a white man who viewed me as a financial blessing rather than any genuine care for me or my family.
I was just a slave to him, a smart nigga that took charge.
Three months in after a heated discussion in the kitchen between him and his girlfriend and me and mine (now wife), I packed my family up and we drove back to NC to stay with my mom for 20 days until we could make a plan. That is when life took a turn that crushed me to build me back up again.
The journey would then be experienced in three-month increments over the next nine months. On the farm, I gained the knowledge and skill sets required to prepare meals with limited resources because we had limited space and we were in rural Tennessee with the closest grocery store 25 minutes away. Farm-to-table became my creativity outlet while on the farm, perfecting my butter recipe to my family’s liking, making bread and pancakes from scratch with flour and other baking ingredients, and the joy I felt going outside into the greenhouse to harvest the last batch of fresh tomatoes for tomato soup as the weather started to get cooler at night.
I learned how to use my unique love of research to help me learn to be self-sufficient in life. Going down rabbit holes for hours learning how to make an off-grid sink with recycled resources or how and what to grow during what season to be able to store enough food for a family of three to last one year. My mind is different now.
Luxury has a new meaning for me now. I find that my life is luxurious because of the way I get to enjoy it. My mom is looking up flights to come to experience my lifestyle, what a plot twist to the story. I wake up in the morning with the freedom to bond with my wife in bed over a blunt and coffee while we watch the sunrise and listen to the seagulls outside the window. When I wake up now, I wake up to new book orders, new paid subscribers, new free subscribers, messages, notes, mentions in posts, the feeling of fulfillment and recognition for my work, for sharing my story most authentically.
the beach.
I learned this skill set while on the beach for three months after leaving my mom’s house for that short stay. The beach was where I found myself. My section in Week 2: Sunday Service Announcements was so divinely timed because out of all the topics available beach is what we were working off of, the Friday before I scheduled to publish the piece I got another rental, drove my family 10 minutes to the bay beach and a few hours later we were moving our stuff into our new home. A true full-circle moment. The beach is where my book, Un-Trap da Hood, started and also where I decided if I was going to struggle I was going to do it chasing my dreams. The beach is where I planted the seed that California would be my new home, the beach is where I declared freedom in my life and broke free from the struggle mindset.
When I broke free from the struggle mindset, my reality began to shift in magical ways. The money would just appear in our accounts, and my book sold double-digit copies before an official launch, in fact, I still have not done an official launch. We lived in a converted van for a month, then in an RV before being given a room in my father-in-law’s home where we overstayed our welcome. Life was a struggle and I didn’t understand why it was so difficult until I stopped waiting for the miracle.
I realized how life and the Universe work and took some accountability for my experiences. I fearfully manifested my reality, I was so afraid that I would move to California and have to struggle that that became my reality. Luckily, my delusion took the lead most of the time driving me to believe that the circumstances were a part of the divine plan and there were gems for me to gather along the way.
home in California
The space we are in now, home, is a space for us to do what we asked to do, unpack and build. A place to start. I am not ashamed of our home nor will I say this is my dream apartment. But I am grateful for what we have because it is perfect for us, it’s the start we needed, the chance we prayed for, the miracle I set out to align with.
See many times the miracle is out there, but the miracle can’t meet us where we are - we have to do that thing to meet the miracle. This apartment didn’t show up as an option until I was in a new mindset and had already moved to the Bay area.
To take that even a step further, the application we filled out was in divine timing because the company filed bankruptcy and a new company just took over. My wife and I were both able to be on the lease because they approved us as a special circumstance. The city we moved to specifically just passed a law that landlords cannot deny applicants housing because of their criminal background, and in one of my older pieces I talked about my wife being wrongfully arrested at the beach. To be Black in America is always a struggle but to be Black in America with mental disabilities is like a free pass to jail if you dare lash out from a breakdown. Our utilities are included in the rent, we are in the center of downtown I mean Pandora is a block away from me!
Deep down I knew my story would shift soon because we’d been in California for three months already. I wasn’t ready for the lesson though, I wasn’t ready to become the version of myself I needed to be to make this happen. I was still afraid. I still didn’t believe I could do it. I didn’t think I could survive on my own. I thought I made poor decisions, so my life was a constant struggle. I did not understand my situation could happen to anyone and has happened and will continue to happen.
What I didn’t understand was how sharing my story would be the inspiration the next person needed to decide for themselves to no longer be afraid of deciding to go after their dreams. Writing has become my outlet through this transition in life. Sharing my experiences has been my way of navigating through my emotions and transformations. I wrote a whole book because of my story, and that book has been a revenue of income to support my family. That book served as a valuable source of income to approve me for this space we get to call home!
full circle moment walking in my purpose.
The experience of fulfillment through my career is settling in as I am deciding how I want to exchange my time for currency. This space feels good, this space feels like home and I want to share my home transformation with my online home to serve as inspiration. My creativity is bursting right now ready to cultivate a space that will serve as a milestone in my family’s life for years to come. The internal battle I have faced with paid subscriptions is finally coming to an end and I appreciate all that has given me space to change my mind and feel my way through this.
I want to share my home transformation with you all and I have so many creative ideas for how I would like to capture this content in a fun way for the reader to both gain inspiration and have the tools necessary to take that leap themselves. I’ve learned over the past four years while sharing my experiences on the internet the taxing toll it takes on me energetically to be vulnerable in a public way, so through my journey of worthiness I am stepping into a place I haven’t been in my entrepreneur career yet.
I am starting to understand what parts of my story are worthy of exchange for sharing, I see value in my experiences and knowledge now because I understand my experience is of two purposes, the change the trajectory of my life while inspiring others to do the same in their lives. My home is a sacred place for me and my family and our living situation is not something I want to broadcast for the world to see, only a close group of people I would consider family.
Because of this change in perspective, I can receive a monthly monetary exchange for my most sacred experiences and a step-by-step guide to how I am cultivating an urban homestead experience for my family of three living in a 100-square-foot studio. The creative projects I have planned to maximize our space while creating a vibrant and expressive home vibe. I am excited about my home ideas and creative projects and I need a space to get all of my thoughts and experiences out to share. This seems like the perfect opportunity for me and it falls in alignment with my soul’s purpose here on Earth.
my theory.
I believe we all have a soul’s purpose, and we have gifts we are meant to share with the world in exchange for our dream lives being fulfilled. This is how Earth was meant to be lived, but the human mind has become greedy and the pureness of Earth’s purpose has been lost. We, Black people, are the original people of Earth and we have found this race battle for many years and the time is coming to reset. I believe many of us are ancient souls reincarnated on Earth for this reset and we are awakening to our gifts through our own experiences. Communities are forming to help each other connect and activate all of our gifts and start building the safe spaces and resources we will need for this reset. I believe this is why we are seeing an increase in Black doulas and midwives, herbal medicines, homesteaders and farmers, and a general increase of interest in living bill-free.
the plan.
The living situation that presented itself to me will allow me to master my self-sufficiency skill set without compromising the comfortable lifestyle of my dreams. This small sacrifice to live this way is understood to be a stepping stone to establish a stable foundation for what’s to come. Sometimes you need to see how someone can feed three mouths without a kitchen using a rice cooker steamer 2-in-1 appliance or how they can find peace and happiness in a situation that others may view as an unfortunate one. Or how they can grow their foods in a space of less than 100 square feet and cultivate relationships within the neighborhood to grow rooftop farms and on-ground community gardens.
But with my aesthetic style mixed in.
It’s giving posts about how I changed out this vanity and sink that is taking up space that could be maximized, and the dope kitchen facet I opted to swap out to execute my mini kitchen vision. Renter-friendly DIY projects including a ceiling paint design to have fun with the 8-foot ceiling, shower retiling, and new flooring with a new wall color and ceiling for the full transformation. Posts about the house plants I have strategically incorporated into my home designs to help purify the air in our small space. The ideas I have for this space are endless and I want to share this creative process with the right group of people so I will be opening my paid subscriptions up this month with a special discount as a thank you!
I am choosing to believe that my burning desire to create and share is meant to help me live the life of my dreams because I am showing up for myself by doing this. I am also realizing my desire to teach and coach is not only for the sake of someone being able to go into business for themselves but also for them to learn how to create the life of their dreams by going after it unapologetically. That is what work fulfillment feels like. Wake up in the morning and have a slow morning with my family while online cultivating this space that allows us to grow and expand outside of the normal suggestions of how to be ‘free’.
creating a new life off 11th st.
Now that I am home and we can build from this solid foundation we have already curated for our family, I am excited to see what’s next. I believe over the next three months I will be able to share some valuable content of how we turned this small space into a functioning living space for a family of three. If we were able to do it in all of our pit stops of support then we can maximize it in this way.
There is a school for my daughter to attend that is within walking distance, kind of like our downtown apartment in NC. We’ve found at least three different Jamaican cafés within 900 ft from us that have the best beef patties and I want to order their Plantain Porridge with a Bay Vibes Smoothie. There is a black-owned coffee shop and spiritual shop less than a block away where I can picture myself having a book signing event. I’ve already spotted a couple of buildings to pitch the idea of a rooftop flower farm and I have the application saved for me to get a community garden plot complimentary of the city.
In the apartment building in which we live, I have built a solid relationship with the management company and we are exploring creative ideas that I would be interested in offering to fulfill my desires. I realize that life is all in what you make it, truly. If you want something and the opportunity is there, just go for it. And if it doesn’t happen that time, look at areas to improve and try again. California has been a dream of mine since I was 18 years old, and it took me taking the opportunity at 33 years old for it to happen. The plot twist is I never tired until I was 33 years old - it worked out on the first try! Sometimes we just need to get out of our head and try!
The things that I want to try now are BIG and will come with big responsibilities but also huge rewards. That’s how coming to the Bay felt, like a big risk that would require big responsibilities from me, but would end with huge rewards. Within less than one week we were checking out of our Airbnb, loading up another rental, heading to the dispensary and beach to have some fun while passing time before knowing where we would sleep that night. I had to step up in so major ways to make this possible so I am extremely proud of myself. This level-up required me to leave behind all I knew to create a new life filled with mystery for me to discover.
That’s the journey of self-discovery.
As I type this my ears are burning and I can’t help but feel that this is another signal from the Universe to get ready there is another way of ‘how good it can get’ coming in fast. I haven’t been home for a month and I already was able to purchase my first couch. My client knows I have been desiring to move into a space and have more than just the move-in cost so I would be able to make our space comfortable while we cultivate the space. This was the first time I was able to do that for my family. My client tipped me the cost of the couch I found that I had in my cart. I bought a cute comfy chair for us to enjoy while we are waiting for our couch to arrive. This time is different, this time we are moving from a place of thriving rather than struggling to keep up.
On our fixed income we are more than capable of maintaining our space which was a huge shift for us before we would be struggling and forced to go back into the 9-5 work field. We can cultivate our brand and business this way while still being able to handle our business without our life being dedicated to handling business with limited opportunity to create the life of our dreams. We choose to live within our means which allows us to express freedom and thrive in our new home environment.
That is what’s so beautiful about the unknown.
You may not know what’s coming, but if you are expecting it to be for you then it will be designed just for you!
I remember speaking to the Universe that I wanted to still be downtown with an urban aesthetic but close enough to the beach that I could make the beach my daily jog. I never in a million years would have imagined being in an urban downtown apartment with seagulls outside my window. Yet here I am experiencing this as a part of my daily reality. Next week I am going to take a walk to Trader Joe’s to get some fresh eucalyptus to hang in our shower, and the routine will take me along a lakeshore view for 2.5 miles, there’s a cute little coffee shop at the end of the shore and Trader Joe’s is then just a block away. Not to mention the post office and library are just a block around the corner so I can drop off my signed book copies to mail and take my daughter to spend the afternoon grabbing a book from the library to read by the shore with my latte and a chocolate chip cookie for her.
Life is good.
Life is great.
I am grateful for the life I have and the opportunities I have been given. I look forward to what is to come now rather than fearing the unknown.
a note to the reader
Thank you for reading through this piece that served as both a stream of consciousness and a thought piece as I navigated through my reflection of finally making it home.
This journey I have shared and I will continue to share so I appreciate the love and support along the way. During this time I am going to be honest and say, I could use some community support during this time to help get my home in place so we can enjoy our year lease in our 100-square-foot loft. I’m also not ignoring the fact that we are in some interesting times in the world, so I am not looking to pay my bills from my paid subscriptions. Still, I would like to experience fulfillment through knowing my home transformation is inspiring someone enough to see value in the momentary exchange. Become a paid subscriber by clicking this link.
Or we can have a virtual housewarming party! I made an Amazon wishlist that I am adding to but it’s some items I will be purchasing for us over the next few months to help us get cozy in our new home. This would be a fun piece to share as I unbox the gifts on video and share how I plan to use the purchase. Lots of ideas with this one, but don’t worry whether they are purchased for us or we purchased them ourselves I can’t wait to share the content delivery ideas and plans! Shop my Amazon House Warming wishlist by clicking this link.
Now that I am home, all book orders will be shipped this month. I have been so delicate with these books now that some are in my possession and these will be mailed next week. I will be doing two rounds of book shipments so any orders placed in July I will be able to fulfill within 15 days if not sooner. I am ordering my second bulk order this week of copies. Claim your copy by clicking this link.
And now that I am home, there are coffee shops on every corner in my downtown neighborhood I can’t wait to go write at! If you want to treat me to a coffee or my daughter to a chocolate chip cookie, you can do so by clicking this link.
Otherwise, your likes, shares, and comments are always most appreciated and valued. I can’t believe this is how I am sharing that I am home, and maybe that will be another piece perhaps this isn’t my I am home piece. Nonetheless, I can’t believe you have been with me through this entire journey and I just wanted you to know that you made this journey feel less alone and scary a lot of the time.
So thank you!
And I love you!
Jacquie
This phrase ‘t-shirt and my panties on’ takes me back to my childhood singing one of those songs I had no business listening to. When I listen to it now it doesn’t hit the same way but when I was a teenager listening I associated the act of being in your t-shirt and panties as being grown. For months I’ve been in spaces where I could not freely go get a cup of coffee in my t-shirt and panties but now at home, I can.
"and WWIII waiting to be announced any day". - I am trying to make this the most fun summer possible before the end comes. <3
Jacquie! Congrats again on moving into your new apartment and I pray that everything will be well for you and your family while you're there.
Your story is inspiring and my family and I are also experiencing a similar journey as well. The journey is never easy but I'm so proud of you for continuing to find your way. You and your family deserve that peace!
Thank you for including me in your blog. This warms my heart that my words resonate with you and I meant every single word...no bullshit. 🥰
Can we talk about how flllyyyy you look in your pics? Short blonde hair? Ugh! 😮💨🖤
Stay blessed, Love.🖤🌸