longing for home.
I've never written poetry before but the longing for home has been intensified and I can't find the words to express the pain I feel longing to go home.
longing for home.
longing for the key that fits perfectly in the lock
longing for that one turn that opens the door to the most sacred place on Earth
longing for the smell of family
longing for my daughter to greet me with a warm welcoming smile
happy to see me after being out of her presence for a morning jog
longing for my wife to sign relieved I made it back home with a blunt waiting
our home is filled with love
you can feel it
it’s something that can’t be described but a feeling you can’t deny
tears flow down my face as I imagine home
for nine months home has been packed up with the rest of our belongings
I was initiated to start my rite of passage
I didn’t know following my dreams would leave me mourning home
my family has been with me the entire time
they support me, they love me
but I can’t help but feel guilty
they didn’t ask for this change, they just wanted to see me happy
but I’m not happy
in fact I’m really fucking sad
I want to unpack, we’ve lived out of this bookbag and suitcase for nine months
my belongings vanishing with each move in efforts to pack lighter
I don’t want to be a minimalist anymore
I want our home to be maximalist, vibrant, and artistic
I long for home because I never experienced home
no house or apartment felt like home
there was no love the way I feel now with my family
it’s unfair that we established ‘home within’ yet others have homes with no love
why can’t we have a home to call our own?
what am I doing wrong?
am I delusional in the worst way
did I create this story plot in my mind that’s not really divine guidance?
am I leading us nowhere?
the tears flow down my face again as I doubt my worthiness of home
I signed the lease, and paid the deposit but…
…why did the Universe let me down?
I didn’t make the rent to get keys and now I feel defeated
was I foolish to believe I would be able to sell 86 copies of my book?
I mean, who really gives a shit about my signature on a book?
burying my face in my shirt to wipe the tears I can’t help but give up
I can’t do it
clearly…
why keep trying?
maybe the homemade loaf of bread I made was the memory
maybe the family garden-to-table meals were just memories
what if these memories aren’t meant to become our norm?
although I am grateful to have a place to sleep, shower, and eat
the longing for home burns inside me like a wildfire
I just want to go home!
longing for the process of cultivating our home
longing for the moment we move in our furniture
longing for that first home-cooked meal
longing for the sounds of laughter and joy from family game night
as I write this poem I reflect on our nine months and realize
we’ve experienced all of these moments I am longing for
perhaps this journey wasn’t just meant for me
what if this journey from the East Coast to the West Coast was for us
as a family
to bond as a family
to experience life as a family
we have traveled the country in these nine months and had countless experiences
was this the point of it all?
to bring us closer together
to create an unbreakable family bond?
but what’s the delay for…
my mindset around money has changed
or has it?
while longing for home, I can’t deny the peace I feel
I don’t understand this peace
maybe because I gave up forcing it
maybe I was micro-managing the miracle
setting the stage for the plot but the plot twist was on me
why do I feel like I am not successful without a home, a physical home?
why does my dedication to my journey mean nothing to me?
or my dedication and commitment to my book?
am I the problem?
am I creating a problem that is not there?
I mean I’m not homeless - I am houseless
I am not starving - I am fulfilled
I am not in danger - I am safe
perhaps my ant’s perspective needs a shift into a bird’s eye view
maybe this problem that seems so massive to me is not big at all
what if the text message to come get keys is coming as I type
but I’m acting out like a spoiled brat
I am grateful for nine months of houselessness because when we do go home
I am going to cherish tf out of this home
rent will be paid before the due date because I am so grateful for the ability to pay rent
home will always smell like love because it’s filled with love
my family will have the most sacred home because we already cultivated this energy
I pray my longing for home is transmuted into gratitude to be home soon.
my reflection after writing the poem.
I did not go back to make edits I wrote from a place of surrender and reflection.
this piece is meant to be a freedom of expression writing to allow myself to say what I feel without feeling guilty for feeling it. life right now is amazing and extremely uncertain at the same time. I am not used to this but I am learning to find peace in the unknown. I know things will work out for me because they have always worked out. I also understand this energy is coming from a place of not feeling worthy and lack of patience. when it comes to the Universe and blessings, I can be a brat. I want it the way I want it when I want it but I’m reminded of this selfishness through delay. I struggle with navigating emotions this heavy when I’m in the moment and I’m used to someone coming in to save me. I have no one to save me this time because I asked to become my own savior. I want to be confident in myself and love myself unconditionally. the journey is not for the weak, but the strong can only be resistant for so long. I have reached my point of surrender. I will continue to lean into my sudden urges but I cannot afford to keep trying to control how the narrative of my story plays out. I now understand my position is to share my experiences not write and direct my storyline. june 2nd made four months of being in California and if I look at my life from a bird’s eye perspective within only five months my dreams have become reality. spent three months on a beach vacation, got married in Vegas, experienced Van and RV living in California (decided we don’t like it), gave my daughter her first plane experience, and was approved for an apartment in California without a traditional job. maybe I need to give myself some grace and focus on the accomplishments rather than longing for what’s to come.
As much as I don’t want to ask for help, I will show up for myself and post the link to purchase my book, UN-TRAP DA HOOD. My life experiences have taught me to always stay authentic and truthful because it’s inspiring for others also attempting to do the same thing. UN-TRAP DA HOOD is about my experiences on my journey from the East to the West and breaks down the cultural conditions that have trapped us into living out the American dream rather than our dreams. When we started this journey on October 5, 2023, we saw a crane while we were walking, on June 2, 2024, I saw a crane while walking. I believe in my soul that was a sign from the Universe to confirm the quest is now over and I’ve made it home.
Thank you for reading as always,
Jacquie
"I'm at peace because I have no control."🤎🤎
I hope you get to be home soon ❤️
I hope this for all of us ❤️