Kicking My Mama Out

Rent's due but this time I'm not stressing about the rent my peace ain't for sale.

A woman who has everything she desires yet is the meanest person you will meet. At first, she’s nice and warmhearted until she is triggered and her mask falls, exposing her ugliness. She looks for love everywhere but within herself.

Expecting the world to love and worship her without her learning to love herself first.

“Black men need to protect me,” says the Black woman who belittles a Black man the moment he doesn’t bend and fold to meet her needs.

This woman had a little girl whom she used as a toy doll when she wanted to perform as the best actress for the award-winning motherhood scene of the year. There was no love or nurturing that came from that woman, however, she had a lot of judgment and ridicule for everything that made that little Black girl happy.

Smiling was a problem.

Laughing was a problem.

Too excited.

Too happy.

I understand the hurt this woman carries. She’s trying to figure out where the fuck is her dream life with the happy ending? Where did thirty-five years of her life go? And who is she after playing the role of a mother only, and a wife sometimes, for thirty-five years? I’ve talked about my strained relationship with my mother, but it’s often few times I acknowledge that I understand why she moved the way she did while raising me, most times as a single mother.

However, this is not that post either. I’m not writing to reflect on the past and cry woe is me about my childhood. This is the opposite, these words are my escape from the reality that I have to kick my mother out of my life again to regain the peace I had before everything changed so drastically when she reentered it almost a year ago.

Using the phrase “kick out” is how it feels as I am setting boundaries with my mom in this new season of my life. This past weekend she asked for a plate if I cooked and we met at the water to exchange hugs for homecooked plates of food. She’s not fully kicked out because that’s my mama, but I am protecting my peace first in this season.

I love you mama, but I love me more!

xo.