a rose that blossoms from the concrete
I'm learning to follow my inner guidance without confirmation or validation from anyone else. I gave myself permission to live my dreams and that's been my greatest form of self-care and self-love...
I know exactly what I want now, as a matter of fact, I know my family does. I didn’t know anything but I wanted to live in California. We got here and I realized my guilt was because I didn’t know how to plan our next move because I didn’t know what I wanted. I had too many options, I was too open and it contradicted my manifestation of moving home, being able to unpack finally and settled. I am learning how clear and detailed you must be when manifesting, or speaking things into the Universe. What will appear back to you is for you to reflect and dissect once you see it.
Because I was not clear on what I wanted, I was given an opportunity by life to experience some of the things I said I wanted, and also the things I said I didn’t. Balance, right?
Life is duality. It’s all about your perspective of life and your life specifically.
On our first night back to freely living our life in the way that best represents us my daughter had a meltdown. This was the first time we’d ever experienced this, and I believe her first time having this big of feelings to process. Her fears of being alone settled in as the sunset and she realized her wish for her own room again had come true. When I booked the Airbnb, I had no idea she would experience these feelings because our last apartment she had her own room. However, for the last nine months, she has shared a room with us and sometimes a bed so having space was a new experience for all of us. She was not ready for her own room and she made this very clear to me.
It amazes me how my motherly nature when it comes to my daughter is to give her space to articulate her emotions and thoughts freely. Sometimes it kicks me in the butt but for the most part, it’s healing for my inner little girl too.
Her fear of having her own space was my fear that I’d been suppressing since I was nineteen and my mom moved me into my first apartment. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t understand life and the way it worked yet. I was too young.
My daughter kept reciting, ‘I don’t want to be a big girl and have my own room I want to be by your side.’
The tears get to flowing as I type her words that have been ringing in my ears since I heard them. Maybe I’m doing this home thing wrong…
This is what I mean.
I have this vision of what our home will look and feel like, and nowhere I’ve applied or toured has confirmed that vision so I have been discouraged and defeated with my errors. But what I was looking for did not match what my vision showed me home would be. My daughter’s meltdown confirmed the vision is what our family needs right now and to let go of this idea of what home should look like for us.
Right now, I want to do things that make sense for us, as a family. I realize I had not accepted my family dynamic and I’ve been subconsciously forcing us to fit a mold we noticeably never fit.
I am grateful for who I am spiritually and for the emotional intelligence that keeps me aware of my conscious and subconscious patterns. This weekend I unlocked a new level of my new identity and finally ignored the distractions of my fear and doubt. This weekend I got clear on what I wanted and how I wanted to live life in California, I permitted myself to go after it too! That was the switch.
I declared I would never allow myself to feel stuck in my circumstances or like a victim to them, and I would pull myself out of my cycle of survival mode. On Sunday morning, that is exactly what I did. I didn’t book the cheapest rental car available, I booked my dream car. I didn’t book the cheapest Airbnb either, I booked the one I knew I would feel most comfortable in. I didn’t take us to a city I thought we would have a chance at, I drove us to the city I wanted to be at. This move is for me, not in a selfish way either. More so in a way that allows me to be the best version of myself and that in return allows me to be the best version of myself to my family.
Had I not driven my dream car to explore my dream city, and gone to a park I wanted to yesterday, then when my daughter experienced her meltdown I would not have been as calm and supportive as I was. In fact, I know I would have been triggered and felt she was ungrateful for me giving her the privacy she asked for. But because I booked this house for me, I was a safe space for her and compromised with her.
She woke up this morning proud of herself. She was proud of herself for not being afraid and realized her dreams weren’t so scary after all. And her mama woke up feeling the same way too blasting Nipsey Hussle to the Oakland airport to drop off the Jeep Wrangler that brought us home.
I pray that Oakland is good to us and we can plant our roots here to make this our new home.
a note to my readers.
Thank you as always for reading my writings and showering me with love with likes, quotes, shares, and comments. Please never stop because it never gets old, I still cry with tears of joy when I see my words resonate with so many of you.
Yesterday when we got settled in our Airbnb I immediately knew I needed to get to my laptop. I had a headache out of this world, but I was determined I had something to discover and writing was how I needed to channel the message to myself. I took a shower, had a cup of coffee, and sat down at the desk for me to get to work. Within the first five minutes of being on Substack, I was diving head first into responding to all the love over on BlackStack for the first Sunday Service Announcements newsletter. I turned around and said to my wife, ‘I want to do this for work. I want to be paid to spend my days with this being my form of work.’ We talked about it for a little bit before I turned around to finish up with my follow-ups and started to format the upcoming week’s newsletters.
This morning it’s weighing on me heavier as my daughter and I have been outlining the details of a storytelling piece we are preparing to share in the upcoming days. I want to build a business for myself through Substack. But hear me out first. I don’t want to turn on my paid subs to create ‘exclusive’ content because that does not inspire or motivate me. I am driven by seeing others succeed with the support I was able to provide to them. I look at BlackStack as proof that I have a natural gift of cultivating community and providing a platform for others to prosper. I want to do more of that while building the life I dreamed of.
I don’t know how this looks but I am sharing my thoughts and feelings to be transparent. BlackStack was launched officially on Juneteenth, and within less than a week the account has almost 200 subscribers and over 300 followers. My ideas are unique and sharp, take Sunday Service Announcements as an example. That concept has not been done on this platform in that way making it an original idea, do you know how many of these concepts I am sitting on just because I know they aren’t for me but would transform someone else’s platform or business?
Last week, in addition to launching BlackStack, I also soft-launched my coaching practice again with a client here from Substack to help grow her brand. The more I show up the more clear things are becoming for me.
I want to open my paid subs back up, but I want it to be a unique space. If someone wants to write a book, I want to be a support to help them from start to finish and share my experiences and the things that worked for me. If you want to use Substack as a marketing tool to grow your online business, I have tons of ideas I am waiting to share. Without going into a full-blown coaching program, I want the paid subscriptions to feel like community advancement.
If this is something you are interested in please let me know and we can talk more about it, but for now if you want to send me monetary support you can purchase a copy of my book [CLICK HERE] or you can buy me a coffee or two [CLICK HERE]. Either way, I am happy to be here sharing this space with you as I create and build the life of my dreams!
Love always,
Jacquie
“The Rose 🌹 that Grew Through Concrete.” I see you. Oakland/Tupac
This brought tears to my eyes because I am stuck in a series of situations I haven’t been able to escape…yet! I’m happy for you. Keep writing. Keep inspiring. I’m watching.
🥹🥹🥹 I just love this level of authenticity and vulnerability. Kudos and as you know, I’m so PROUD of you, sis!