redirection.

Sometimes the Universe is trying to show us just how good it can get, but we are too afraid to accept the new identity that is aligned with the blessings. Who we have to become scares us and we fold.

I thought my life was heading in one direction, but then I experienced the redirection. Everything feels like it did in 2020, right around the time I was diagnosed with high functioning anxiety and depression. It feels as though I am being redirected to that version of myself that was diagnosed but never treated. I’ve been stuck in that reality for almost 4 years now. The trauma I have been forcing myself to relive daily was finally made obvious for me to identify. Let’s get into this tea!

Now I understand what I’ve been grieving for all these years, and why I have been feeling behind. There are not people that I feel I must keep up with in my life, but I’ve been battling this feeling that I should be further along. That urging to be in a direction position in life is because I’ve imprisoned myself in the trauma when I lost it all. This is probably my most vulnerable and transparent post to date. The trauma I’ve been stuck in is losing my “big girl” job, moving out of my apartment because I was behind on rent, and depressed about moving back home.

See I have this gift of seeing all perspectives in situations, so I choose to live in the perspective that this was a blessing. A second chance in life to focus on my business while not having the stress and worry of bills. I craved family more than anything and after a series of bad breakups I convinced myself being home with my bloodline would fill that void. I imagined it being this warm, welcoming environment with support for my leap of faith. When that fantasy was dismantled by reality, the depression cycle continued this time spiraling more than I was aware of. I’ve spent the last six months grieving that crushing reality and now I am being faced with the reality of my situation in 2020. I never spent time with myself to accept I’ve been diagnosed with a severe mental disorder, nor did I forgive myself for losing what I thought was my only way of stability.

That “big girl” job I had was providing me with opportunities I struggled to maintain in my past. My home, car, money, success and worth was all tied into that job. I was let go because I failed a random drug test, iykyk. I am a stoner chic, and when I’m depressed if I’m not careful it will be my escape. At the time leading up to the random drug test my reality was towering; my three year relationship ended, my car was repossessed, my planned future was towering before my eyes. I was scrambling to pick up the falling pieces while maintaining what remained. I say this all to say, the random drug test was not so random at all. I was going home on my lunch break to face a whole blunt then going back to work, again iykyk. But the story I told myself left me playing the victim and feeling helpless.

Fast forward to today, three months officially since moving to California and I’ve been in a spiraling state of depression. Since my daughter’s birthday last week, my depression has reached an all time high but this time I’ve been aware of it. My old desire to smoke the feelings away hasn’t come up, so I have been feeling all of my feelings that come up. It’s been rough but I am grateful for my family. Crazy how life will circle back around for us. My wife and daughter have been a huge support for me while navigating through this depressive spiral by holding space for me to rot, but not letting me rot for too long. I’ve been focusing on my three self care pillars everyday to holistically cure the depression. Physical movement (we take walks or I will stretch my body), mind stimulations (creative writing, journaling, or conversations help me most), and rest (rotting has been my recent method by curling up in bed or on the couch and stroll, play a game or watch The Office).

The depression has revealed to me the helplessness I feel being in California still with no permanent address. I’ve been praying for a miracle that would allow us to finally be home, and divine timing has been triggering these emotions for me. After taking action and being met with divine no yet had me questioning the leap. Questioning was this a divine journey or did my delusion take over. Y’all when I say the depression has had me questioning everything, the month of April was intense to say the least. As we move into the month of May things are still intense but I’ve been more successful with managing my three self-care pillars. And you know what, today I took action to become the version of myself that I need to be in order to transform my helplessness into empowerment! California requires a version of myself I have not experienced yet, rather than being afraid of her I am learning to embrace her!

Love,

Jacquie