hood therapy vol. 7

Celebrating the feeling of "nigga we made it" singing karaoke in bed while smoking a blunt with my wife inspired this week's newsletter.

You know, this week I noticed I don’t know how to receive the love and support I prayed for. Since showing up in this Substack space I have experienced genuine support, which brings up this feeling that I am unfamiliar with. I know what it is but I’m unfamiliar with the actual emotion nor how to navigate it.

It’s taking some adjusting.

I’m asking for grace when you pour love into me for I am struggling to find the words to show my gratitude for your support. “Thank you” doesn’t seem like enough and I’m exploring how it feels to be worthy of support and how to navigate this new unlocked emotion.

They don’t tell you that success feels undeserving when it comes in quick. It’s not something you can prepare for, not even mentally. We want success but when it comes at times it’s hard to accept if it can’t be identified. The energy is intense and feels similar to stress, fear, and doubt with the level of intensity.

Maybe it’s imposter syndrome fearful of being exposed as a fraud or fake because I did not grow up in the hood, or feeling unworthy of the support. I don’t believe I have done enough yet but I also know my potential and how motivated I am right now.

This week’s newsletter is a combination of all the new emotions that just got upgraded to my panel and how I’m adjusting to them in real time.

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I keep shitting on the competition, imma put me out a shit tape.

Lyrics like this get me so hyped, but now I sit back and question, why if I only view myself as my competition? There is no one doing what I am doing in the way that I am doing it, so who am I shitting on?

I saw this video and this guy talked about being in NYC as a fashion designer. He said everyone always talks about when you make it, but he questioned what that meant. He moved from his hometown to make a career for himself in NYC and it happened yet he found himself still chasing this desire to “make it”. His point was him moving to NYC and following his dream was him making it, what more was there to prove?

That’s how I’ve been feeling lately.

Now that I’ve accomplished my dreams I know that the future is filled with success. My dreams were just the start, I never realized that until now. I am fulfilled yet there is so much potential still within me that lies ahead. I want more.

The journey of success is like a drug that my body craves more and more of.

I used to ask my clients, “How would you live your life if all your desires were met?”

Today I am living my life in the way I used to manifest from that question and the experiences in the moment are overwhelming.

Ashleigh Vaughn

told me in a comment that I am doing the damn thing and since then I’ve been recognizing how factual that comment was.

I not only decided to move across the country and follow my dreams but I broadcasted the journey for all of Substack to watch. And I’ve made this shit look easy for the most part. Extended beach vacations while writing my book, impulsive one-way flights to Vegas to elope, we even lived in a converted van for almost 30 days - all of this to avoid homelessness.

Little did I know that life showed me how good it could get. I asked for my life to feel like an extended vacation and that’s what I’ve been blessed with. The impulsive sudden urges fuel my dreams because those are the first steps I am sometimes too scared to take toward my goal. That impulsive one-way flight brought me home with a wife that loves me unconditionally giving my daughter a fair chance of a loving family home.

There is no competition for me to shit on anymore these days because I am self-made, one-of-a-kind, nothing like what’s been manufactured for the masses to follow. I am cut from a different cloth and I’m learning how to uplift my community rather than shit on them when I’m no different from them.

a visual of my shit tape album cover moodboard.

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Broke niggas die slow while the rich get richer.

The motivation for me right now is that I can’t die broke.

And I mean broke in a lot of different ways. I mean broke in a way that someone would say it to you if they were trying to insult you.

Broke in your mind, spirit, and pockets, broken into pieces. Unfixable, far from unbreakable.

That’s been me for far too long still carrying a smile to hide my broken mirrors.

Marc Typo

spoke directly to my spirit when I read this note he shared. I’ve been that friend, daughter, family member, co-worker, and mother for far too long. This year I am being honest about my emotions and in what ways I need my family to pull their weight to support me. And when they do I feel guilty that they have to.

With the BlackStack community growing with paid subscribers I feel that guilt layering on. Every time y’all purchase my book or buy me coffee, there is the guilt of feeling unworthy of the support, although I need it and prayed for it.

How do people make it from poverty to wealth on a conscious soul level?

I want to be self-made to show others that it can be done, I believe that rappers like Nipsey Hussle have paved the way for young Black voices to be heard and I’m just changing the format in which you consume these words. But I want to help my people win so you know with passion projects you're not in it to get rich, you are in it to be a service to others.

I’m learning to find a balance between being worthy of my passion supporting me and consciously not being swayed by the monetary potential. This week I almost submitted a request for a dope space to host my first official book launch party, but halfway through I convinced myself I was dreaming a little too big. I also battled with little Miss. Self-Sabotage trying to get my books signed, sealed, and packaged to ship. I had a writing coach client this week, again struggling to show up, this weekend I have a self-discovery coaching client and I just realized I never sent his recap email.

Damn.

a visual of little Miss Brokey-Broke to little Miss Richy-Rich

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I’m trying to get used to the success after being fucked up for so long.

Sometimes I feel like I might be giving myself a little too much grace when it comes to material abundance, and I know we aren’t supposed to think of it that way but I’m tired of being broke.

This week I shared a vulnerable and transparent moment about how living invoice to invoice gets tight. I’m grateful for my wife’s income that supports our family because for some reason supporting myself and my daughter has been my greatest obstacle. When I met my wife she brought groceries for me the first time she came to chill with me without our other friends, because she said she noticed my milk was expired.

I was so embarrassed.

But I received the gift and my prayer of how I would make my daughter’s lunch for school was answered all I had to do was say thank you.

Since that day something in me shifted and I have been focused on redefining my quality of life. How do I want to feel waking up free to experience slow mornings and what am I spending my day doing?

Don’t go fucking cheap on yourself either. Allow yourself the chance to imagine a life without stress and worry. Imagine a life where your basic needs were met and your biggest obstacle is a thing of the past.

Now every opportunity you get try to add the habit or routine of who you are with that life, and before you know it I promise you it will be your reality. I am proof, go back through my post and you will see my dreams unfolded as I continued journeying. Life looks different for me now - I built a community that’s thriving here and over at

BlackStack

, I get to write these newsletters and mail my book orders from my HOME in California.

All that’s left for me to do that’s a part of my dreams is to enjoy this new emotion of contentment and learn how to receive love and support.

a visual of how my style will become more expressive as I learn to receive support from my community - style and confidence go hand-in-hand for me

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It feels good having that R&B type of love.

Being married has changed things between me and my wife. It feels like we just met each other again for the first time. I don’t know if this is normal but it’s happening not just to me but to her too, but it’s kind of cute.

It’s like we get to know each other all over again.

We have both changed so much since eloping it’s almost necessary for us to reconnect with each other. Life has been intense since we decided to build the life of our dreams. Now that we are finally in a place we can call home, we agree the journey was worth it. The other night we were in bed smoking a blunt and the songs throughout this newsletter played and we would sing or rap our hearts out having a ball.

My wife is the first person I’ve had this kind of fun with, that’s how I knew she was for me. She believes in me sometimes more than I do in my capabilities. And that makes me want to go after my goals, to prove her right while turning myself into a believer.

The love that I experience from my wife is new to me, and I’m learning how to receive it without pushing it away. I am noticing my habit of pushing away things that feel good out of fear that I will lose it.

My insecurities grew more after getting married. I fear my wife will find someone better than me and decide this life is not meant for her. Being with me is difficult, I force change. Not intentionally but anyone around me or connected to me will benefit from my natural drive to seek a better understanding of myself. I want to be the best possible version of myself and anyone around me will get some of these good vibes by default, but only if they are open to doing the work for themselves.

As I look up at her from my keyboard I smile as my heart flutters in pure attraction and love for her. I took a chance with this woman and ended up with that R&B type of love and I love that for me!

a visual of how I imagine my camera roll to look in the coming months with shared experiences with my wife

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I miss my grandfather so much.

Last Friday I was unpacking a book bag we used to keep the last few books we could hold onto for the plane and came across photos of my grandfather and great-grandmother. I’ve talked about my great-grandma, Grandma Louise, a couple of times in several posts but not often about my grandfather.

My grandfather was my everything, he was my world.

I feel his energy is present to help me navigate these new emotions I’m facing because this is what he couldn’t teach me while he was here on Earth. Spiritually, I believe that our ancestors, specifically the ones we know, transitioned to fulfill their agreement to help us ascend to break free from the capitalist spell.

Granddaddy was a wise Black man, we called him the Godfather. He was smooth, fresh, clean, sharp, handsome, and a true Scorpion his presence was LOUD in every room without uttering a word. He reminds you of The Isley Brothers when it comes to embodying the style, grace, and elegance of a Black Man in the 90s. They were different back then, in the way that a Black man with waves usually has a set appointment at the barbershop before haircuts cost $100 with enhancements.

I could have learned so much from him that I needed to know before I was set free into the real world like a caged animal set free into the wild.

Although he did not get the opportunity to show me in the physical, he has been by my side showing me the way home and I feel there is more he has to show me. Since Sunday at the

BlackStack

Writers’ Circle when

Yanique

poured libations for our ancestors and I called his name his energy has been with me and I’ve been at peace.

Following that day my mom reached out to me to show me a photo of a butterfly that landed on her and was not leaving her side. I took this as a sign from Grandaddy that he was initiating this reunion and that it was okay for me to talk to her. I don’t think there will be a real conversation in the way that I desire, I believe she will pretend that things are okay so it’s easier to sleep at night. And I’m fine with that because I made peace when I wrote my letters and spoke my truth in my book and these newsletters. I love her from the place she is at without expecting anything from her.

I am grateful to be the footsteps my bloodline gets to follow to free themselves.

the transformation process in a visual gallery

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Can you hide my insecurities for me?

I can’t hide behind my smile because I’m rediscovering what makes me smile.

I can’t hide behind the makeup anymore I’m rediscovering my natural beauty by accepting any flaws I once covered.

I can’t hide behind my passions anymore because I’m rediscovering how to allow my light to shine bright rather than constantly dimming it.

I am learning how to take up space.

I am learning how to receive support without feeling guilt and unworthiness.

I am learning how to be seen and what it feels like.

These new feelings are uncomfortable and I don’t understand why no one has mentioned it.

Is this what they meant by it’s lonely at the top?

I feel far from the top, or my peak. This feeling is the same tightness in my chest that I remember when I talked about not being enough in Vol. 6 last week. It’s intense. My jaws have been clenched but there is no real stress in the way my jaws would clench in the past.

I find myself battling peace and irritability from the slightest triggers. Not because I am upset or frustrated but overwhelmed with my emotions and trying to process them. Processing the emotion of being recognized for my work, then feeling worthy of the recognition of the work, but now we are laying in monetary support which is bringing contentment and that’s the trigger.

I’m struggling to accept this monetary exchange as a moment of satisfaction because I fear I may not have the capacity to offer more. For whatever reason, my mind is not processing that I am offering my work, time, and energy in exchange for monetary support, and there is no more for me to provide. I’m used to depleting myself for the bare minimum so receiving an overflow in abundance without being depleted and having boundaries in place is new.

Guilt creeps in because part of me doesn’t believe what I am offering isn’t valuable enough yet, but the overflow in support challenges that belief.

Unworthiness settles in because part of me feels I need to prove my worthiness of the overflow in support, but showing up was the proof and that’s why the community showed up.

This time I don’t have to deplete myself, and I am grateful to be in a community with soul-like individuals who do not want to see me depleted and see value in my work. Thank you to all 200+ Chronicles of Change subscribers, and all 300+ of the

BlackStack

subscribers (free and paid), without you all, I would not have had this opportunity to navigate these emotions intertwined with the feeling of success in making your dreams your reality!

a visual of my glow-up after this wake-up

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a note to my readers

Thank you!

I don’t think I would continue to write if you didn’t continue to read, like, comment, and share. Subscriber after subscriber continues to fill my heart with joy, now bursting with overwhelming happiness. This joy has kept me numb and silent from expressing my gratitude but today I find the words to say more than thank you.

Today I tell you how you have changed my life with your support.

Every book purchase has allowed my family to eat or provide a place to sleep. Every like, share, and comment has kept me from mentally giving up and taking my life when I didn’t see a way out. I came here broken into pieces, shattered by life, vulnerable and open for all to see and you accepted me. You welcomed me with open arms and loved and nurtured me back to wholeness.

Your words of encouragement fueled me when I gave up the fight to find a home, and here I am sending out the second volume of Hood Therapy from my downtown studio home in California.

There is something special about this community we have built together and I am honored to have each of you a part of my life.

This next phase in the journey is interesting it’s happier, and the dreams are bigger. I submitted my application for a garden plot with the city this week, I sent a business pitch to a company that I would like to partner with, I set a date for my book launch, and I decided I would say yes to all of my dreams because the Universe already proved to me that they are within reach! I wanted the opportunity to turn a space into a maximalist home for my family with an urban loft aesthetic.

Now I can cultivate my dream downtown home and share these experiences with you because you have been on this journey with me!

I am so grateful for you!

Here is a little sneak peek of the drafts I’ve been working on for all paid subscribers:

• Who needs a kitchen in 2024, anyway? This newsletter series will give insight into how I prepare meals for my family of three with a rice cooker, air fryer, and an electric griddle cooker while building a mini kitchen in a corner of my 100-square-foot studio. This project will involve me changing out my current sink, countertop, and faucet along with putting in a renter-friendly backsplash and vibrant colored kitchen concept.

• Married to a manic. Phew. Grab your tissue box for this piece, because I take you on a rollercoaster of emotions in this one. I open up and allow you into my home reality of navigating my wife's recent diagnosis with Bipolar Disorder. This is a storytime of my perspective of being married to someone who’s learning about being Bipolar while being a spiritual healer and not being able to help her, so she has to resort to medications. But I see how the meds will affect her but I have to be supportive until we learn how to navigate this together.

• How will we make it here? Another read you might want to keep your tissue box close by. This might be the most special piece I have shared to date and I can’t wait to share this post with you all! My daughter asked to write this piece with me and because she loves to read my posts, she and I tag-teamed to do a read-out-loud as a special treat for our paid subscribers! We discussed her concerns with moving to California after watching her favorite show Bluey when they were moving away for a better life, following up with Riley’s move to San Francisco in Inside Out. My daughter is extremely intelligent to be only 8 years old and our conversation will be a real pull on the heartstrings.

Until next Friday at Hood Therapy, I will see you at this week’s Sunday Service Announcements, and have the most amazing weekend you can imagine for yourself!

Love always,

Jacquie

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