Done being mishandled.

I'm learning people only mishandle you when you have no boundaries in place, and once you set them a mishandler will feel attacked only because they lose access.

Photographer Adeolu Osibodu

I remember the first time I was mishandled. It was before I had a name for it. What stood out the most was how shocked I was that the person mishandling me had done a complete change before my eyes, and I was left standing there stunned. In pure shock that the person I held so dear to my heart was cold as ice because I said no, once. And as I write that, I realize that’s exactly how all the other situations that followed happened, so this time, I understand the lesson (fingers crossed).

The (re)action that people respond so negatively to when their actions caused the effect. This space of hypocrisy I recognize as a pattern. It triggers people and makes them attack you for holding the mirror to their faces in these moments of their ugliest behavior. It’s been a while since I’ve written from a place of personal experience, and let’s face it, telling your business on the internet is what sales (I’m joking, but it really does). I saw something that read along the lines of be ready to read about yourself when you wrong a writer, and this is one of those personal essays. Not with one particular person in mind, it’s actually quite a few on this topic. You see, our culture says new levels bring new devils, and these pretty bitches are wearing Prada disguised in community. Yeah, we are going to take it there today.

Mishandle starts with the study of how you respond best to being properly handled, not to find ways to integrate that knowledge in the relationship, but to disrupt it. Adjusting the pillow behind you on the couch to make you feel at home, until you actually get comfortable. Some people will argue that these people are not aware of themselves; however, I have found the people I’ve encountered to be extremely self-aware. So, I’ll find middle ground in saying the motive may not be to intentionally hurt and harm, but they are not blind to the damage and rupture their actions will (did) cause. Might be controversial, but I think these people seek some type of misalignment through their need to control. These are the type of people who let the saying God is within you go to their heads, taking it literally.

You think it’s a solid connection until one day you are in the kitchen cooking, and you get this little glimpse of truth, and you hear that voice warning you that this is not as it seems. You either trust or wait for physical evidence (I’m personally a wait for physical evidence type of girlie 0/10 I do not recommend), because of course you could just be tripping. Also known as not trusting your intuition. Then, the physical proof comes in, you have the audacity to be stunned; a damn wolf in sheep’s skin, a shapeshifter, warlock, energy vampire, manipulator, fucking con artist. We’ve all experienced them in our lives, more than once, and we’ll continue to—I’m learning it’s about how to navigate these Prada-wearing devils. I’ve been busy trying to understand why they move the way they do and what I need to adjust, rather than accepting it’s time for me to move along to protect my peace.

I noticed boundaries really set these individuals off, too. They feel like it’s a personal attack on them, as if they were not the ones mishandling you. In the moment, they treat you like a soulless soul, forgetting everything you did for them without question or hesitation before. And because they feel personally attacked, it's all fair (game), hitting below the belt, leaving you looking around for the camera crew because surely you are getting PUNK’D. They will waterboard you to get their way until you say or do what they command, and act as if nothing happened. These are people who try to control water; the person who created a water bill had to be a person who mishandled all of their relationships.

And that internal recognition proves itself to be true because a person will always expose themselves due to their own insecurities. Makes you question what they are hiding, as if clear waters turned muddy can be hidden in plain sight. If we were meant to hold water, you would need both hands; slow, gentle to touch, care, attention, and caution. If not, the water will slip through the cracks in your fingers faster than you can adjust your grip. How silly to think one could hold water—that level of control is destructive. Storing (hoarding) the water is a survival tactic used out of desperation, and reveals the control one possesses over something so fluid. Creating contamination for the sake of temporary power. That is very colonizer of you, little control pants, whoever you are.

Women are often the embodiment of being mishandled. Our value is not recognized, nor are we handled with care and delicacy. —Jacquie Verbal

Listen, I’m defining the term mishandle as not being handled with care, a lack of recognition of value. I’ve been accused of being a mishandler many times. And in those moments, I’ll admit I, too, wondered why they thought they were the prize?

Usually, because in those situations me “mishandling” them is a direct (re)action to the (un)intentional disrespect, lack of consideration, and/or undertoned aggression I was met with. People will play victim in situations they created, you know, the people who throw the stone and then try to hide their hand. So yes, there is duality to being mishandled and mishandling. You have to decide for yourself what side you are on and what you are willing to take.

For me, I’m ten toes down about me, and I’m at a place in my life where I am not interested in allowing people who have special access to me to mishandle me when they have the handbook and toolkit to handle me with the care they agreed to. Relationships, platonic or romantic, friendship or community, professional or casual, are contractual agreements, so when those contracts are broken, dealing with me—a bitch be heartbroken. However, my favorite trait about me is how I never let the heartbreak force me to close my heart; somehow, I always find my way back to love.

And I love that for me, and about me.

Okay, that’s enough of my business for today ;-)

xoxo, 
Jacquie