divorced from the preservation of lies.

People do me wrong and I cover for them hoping that no one else saw how it really went down. I had it all wrong everyone saw they were waiting for me to respond.

The level of vulnerability I’ve expressed in my last four creative articles carries much more duality than I expected. On the one hand, the freedom of expressing those raw emotions felt rewarding, and the response has been overwhelming, but on the other, the amount of people I’ve lost has caught me by surprise.

There were more wolves disguised as sheep walking with me, and when I started expressing myself, they distanced themselves. As I opened up more and confided in them about my soul-calling to be more authentic and they encouraged me to, I noticed that they were absent when recognition finally came. What I didn’t know was my public unsubscription to people and their bullshit on this platform unsubscribed me from way more people than I had originally unsubscribed from.

I once thought my book UN-TRAP DA HOOD would be the writing project to provide a new perspective for my peers who represent Black American culture, and I still believe this to be true. However, in the present moment what is true is that 'unsubscribed from Substack friends’ was the piece that highlighted my writing style. I came into this industry not to fit in or to be accepted, writing was an assignment gifted to me by the Universe. I have always been committed to channeling knowledge and mission because I am a vessel. It’s not many people willing to live this way and it’s not a job that many people can successfully do. Some individuals start the journey, but not many make it to the levels I’ve experienced and that’s a celebration I deserve to share publically as I’ve shared my lessons much louder.

I’m on my throat chakra assignment and this trip out to Oakland I gifted my mom was the confirmation I needed that writing is the specific assignment attached to my throat chakra healing. I have some shit to say, and it’s going to ruffle some feathers but I do not care. I’m tired of my life taking the hit because my inner people pleaser wants to protect grown adults from their own feelings. I’m done.

I vow to say what I need to say for my growth regardless of how my truth affects the stories people have convinced themselves of to protect their feelings.

Imagine your cousin recording your wedding is the secret reason you feel uncomfortable in all white.

I can’t pretend that I had this horrible childhood experience growing up. Now yes some situations happened in my life that created some trauma responses in my everyday reality, but I am no longer the victim of those situations.

Things from my past no longer keep me in that same cycle because I have learned how to grow through my past. The things that once happened to me will not be the things that keep me from reaching my full potential. Her being here made me realize that my truth would distort her story of my childhood and our relationship. She views me in a light that I do not view her because of the amount of healing our relationship needs. Right now, that is a truth she is avoiding and numb to but for me that is a tender wound that is freshly cut open again.

My truth hurts, I take a lot, people hurt me badly and I never say anything, I take it. I conditioned myself to be this way, it was easier than arguing with abusers.

the first time an angel hugged me she warned me about the people around me.

This is a quick storytime about my first time experiencing an angel comforting me in the closet of my apartment back in 2020.

I had just received my Reiki II certification and I was working on fulfilling my required number of services before I could receive my Masters. Now by the time I had my level two certification, I already curated group reiki sessions that were aligned with the moon cycle, so I had a little clientele.

It wasn’t necessarily a moon-focused session but it was someone from one of those sessions who booked a one-on-one session with me for a long-distance reiki service. I was excited but nervous at the same time. Reiki is one of those things you can’t explain, it’s not tangible so therefore you can’t make it “believable” for non-believers.

Naturally, I called my Reiki Teacher to reassure me that I was capable but also READY to work on someone in a one-on-one session. When I say it out loud now I laugh because knowing what I know now, she couldn’t have reassured me of what was to come and that’s no shade to her. My gift is just that, a gift, so when I share it that’s not something I have to be ready for because it comes naturally, it’s a gift.

Just as writing is a gift.

Fast forward to the amazing session, this first-time client was not new to Reiki this was my Reiki Teacher’s regular client but the therapist that connected us. The result of her mentioning that she would email to cancel all her appointments for the remaining year to transfer to me signaled a clear warning to call in protection.

I ended that session and went to my balcony to give thanks, but the signaled warning alarmed me causing me to drop my water directly into my plants as if the ancestors orchestrated their own libation ceremony for this call for protection. I looked up and there were at least a few dozen crows in the trees directly in front of my balcony waiting for me. They signaled for me with their call that ushered me to the invitation to give thanks on the balcony. I was being initiated and I didn’t even know at that moment and the crows were symbolizing the army of angels that protect me on this divine path I have embarked on as a world-builder.

It was too much to take it at once, I called my Reiki Teacher and you could instantly feel the shift in energy towards me, but she tried to play it cool. I knew right then and I dimmed the experience to end the call.

Panicking at this point because I realize I have no one to trust and I’m about to freak the fuck out. I call on my divine team of angels.

He took the plea because how do you snitch on an angel that is an Earth snipper?

…all of them.

Now if you know anything about the spiritual realm then you understand you never call on them all unless you are ready for that, I didn’t know yet, but I also didn’t understand that I had initiated protection with the libation on the balcony with my urban microgarden.

Within seconds of me crying out for my divine team to come in and comfort me, I felt suffocated in my closet. The energy of a packed football arena spread throughout my two-bedroom apartment and it was only myself and my daughter in the house at the time. I’ll never forget how intense the energy was and then all of a sudden I felt someone hug me from behind and squeeze me tightly, but again there was no one in that closet with me.

I screamed.

At that moment, I was 1000% sure I had lost my ever-loving mind and was about to meet Jesus, because there was no way an angel hugged me and I felt it.

I have tried to forget that feeling and vowed I’d never call on them like that again. This storytime felt random as I typed it but now I understand the connection I was being driven with that memory to make.

Every new identity I timeline jump into requires a new activation of protection. I’m a soft woman with a big voice and a lot to say but with a warm delivery. The message will find you where you are when you need it, timeless. A woman like me requires a level of protection no human can provide. My circle is strong and tough on the exterior and we are close because real recognize real.

Dressed in all black they protect her like precious cargo crossing the border.

Now that I have been reminded of where I started the message is clearer than before, part of my divine plan is to go through these hardships so I can speak from experience when I share how I grew through them. Some people will get close to me and it’s up to me to establish boundaries with them, therefore if they get close enough for me to be hurt then that’s a signal for me to check in with myself. Did I tend to my self-love routine including my self-care regimen, and stand up for myself when my boundaries were crossed?

Sometimes I feel when I don’t speak up for myself I’m not standing up for myself, and I’m letting myself down. These moments are becoming more frequent now and this visit I gifted my mom resulted in this feeling lasting for 12 hours after she pulled off in her Lyft to the San Francisco airport to fly back home.

I vowed to avoid people who bring an emotional, physical, and spiritual strain on me and answered the call to explore what healing my throat chakra presents.

My client jokingly asked this morning what was happening in the stars highlighting the strain on parent and child relationships, and I replied Mars entered into Cancer. I take this as a time to mother ourselves in the way we want to be nurtured by our mothers. I thought it was interesting to go into the Instagram app the same day and see one of my faves post about Mars in Cancer and not to mess with moms during this time, and as a mom, I feel it but as the daughter that highlighted some hidden resentment.

I know what I felt but I may never be able to prove it.

So for a while, my mother has been my biggest trigger but also my greatest supporter it’s kind of difficult to navigate. At times I know for a fact the woman hated me because of the way I turned out.

My mother is what you would call the perfect daughter, but my whole life I’ve struggled to be the perfect for her. She sacrificed so much for my grandmother and now that the time has come I have felt the pressure for me to show up in the same way.

I promised myself this year that I’m saying YES to my dreams.

But I can’t do it. I’m not the perfect daughter in the way she is. And I will never be.

I’ve been conditioned to show up in the world a certain way my whole life and now my mother, the one who conditioned me, claims to not even live by that conditioning.

Did I set her free as I set myself free?

It feels like I had to endure all of the hard work and pain for her to enjoy the reward of all my blood, sweat, and tears. I’ll admit there is some resentment in my heart, it’s still more work to do I’m only acknowledging that it is there. Everything with this trip symbolized that as I set myself free she automatically benefitted.

The longer she’s been here the more I wonder if I will ever have a healthy relationship with her. Will she see that she is the main reason I left home? The person she is now hasn’t taken accountability for shit and I knew it would be like this but I didn’t think it would hurt in this way. It’s an energy I can’t describe, witnessing the looks try to go unnoticed, while I’m forced to give my undivided attention.

It’s this difficult place to reside knowing that the person you want to break free from for good just invaded the intentional healing you’ve done for six months in seven days. I felt so many feelings preparing for her stay to end, and when it ended as quickly as it began so did the emotions. I’m tired of pretending things are always good or okay because I don’t want her to look bad, or maybe I want that motherly love long enough. She needs me for the first time in life and I don’t need her. I feel obligated to be there for her yet she has no idea what this journey requires.

So here’s the tea, I’m toying with the idea of moving my mother in with me and my family so she can travel the world as a princess passenger without the man.

Talk about a plot twist.

I am the rich man energy essentially. She’s inspired to take her big leap of faith and I love this for her because I finally get to provide her the lifestyle she wanted me to provide her with. I have to accept that I gave in to it. I’m finding my perspective in the decision, confirming that it’s my decision and I was not bribed into accepting a one-sided opportunity.

Tough conversations led to migraines causing me no room to continue the discussion. It’s like this control she has over me and I don’t know how to navigate the feeling when I’m around her so now that I’m back to writing I’m upset with how the conversation went. I should have focused on what I needed rather than catering to her comfort. My routine was so off this entire trip and the only thing I stayed consistent with was BlackStack, and that’s how she witnessed my success and rich man energy.

Rich man energy is not about financial wealth, it’s about freedom. I have the freedom to live a life many desire, and I’m stepping more into this energy. I am stepping more into this freedom.

I’m not elaborating on why I made the decisions I make, nor will I explain myself when remind others of my established boundaries.

I vow with my freedom, I choose to curate my life the way I desire, and the rich man energy I carry with me allows me to live life giving zero fucks about who approves or disapproves of it.

I’m sick and tired of being hurt by half-assed healing humans.

This week has had a major impact on my emotions with the new moon shining light on new relationships and I was eager to nurture them.

She stopped reacting and started to play with fire.

I saw something recently that said nobody spots a hater better than a boyfriend, and the girl began to share a storytime about how her boyfriend spotted a hater in her friend group and how they exposed themselves shortly after. And while I am not married to a man, my wife shares this gift. I would argue that if you are in a healthy relationship with a partner that pays attention to you then you will be told who is and who ain’t your real friend. My wife is 10 out of 10 right now, she warned me while I ignored her, and I came crying to her that they did me wrong and she was right every time.

I vow to myself that my wife will not have to spend the rest of our lives loving me back to life when I allow others to deplete me.

When I start to fear being a bad person I remind myself that bad people don’t care about being better, I’m cut from a different cloth. Therefore, should someone suggest I am a bad person I will invite them to see their reflection in the mirror, what boundary did I set that triggered you, there’s your invitation to heal.

To witness another wave of people fade away proved that this path was meant for me to travel alone and so I will continue to do that. My life will align in a way that favors me when I put forth all of the work and energy. Others have this same outcome when they tend to their manifestations, I’m finding the beauty in this gift we all have.

People had opportunities with me, they burnt the bridges as I realized I was the only one trying to put the flame out. I’m not angry about it, nor am I hurt anymore, now I’m grateful for the awareness.

It’s always a blessing to see people for who they truly are before they have too much access to hurt you. Safe to say I dodged yet another bullet with fake friends and fake love, my angels don’t play about me.

xoxo,

Jacquie