Keys, blunt, and lighter all in hand as I jump into my shoes to run out the door. I just have to get out of here and clear my mind. Normally, I would go straight to the trail and walk alongside the water while smoking, but today I wanted to avoid familiar faces that would force me to smile and wave. This particular morning, I just needed to smoke my weed and be in my head. But just when I thought no one would stop me, I heard the unhoused man sitting on the bench at the corner where I needed to cross, trying to get my attention. Of course, he would catch me before I hit the play button on Spotify, so I pulled back my headphones to see what he needed. Ah, just a simple light to smoke the cigarette butt he found. Cool, I got you bro that requires little to no communication plus I get it, so I walked over and lit the cigarette butt for him. In that moment, we both felt a little sense of hope for the world to come back. He asked for a cigarette, which I don’t smoke, however, I made a promise to myself that I would start keeping a pack of cigarettes just for a moment like this.
I can see my life now, reaching into my magic crossbody to feed the birds that I see on my walk, and cigarettes for the many times I’m asked every week. Maybe that moment he and I felt hope again was because we took time to practice basic humanity without judgment. I can’t help but wonder, are people judging me as hard as I’m judging myself? Do others hold me to the same level of standard that I hold myself, and who taught me to believe my own personal standards had to be so high?
The obvious answer to that question would be simple: I’m a Black woman in America. Therefore, my value has always been placed at the bottom of the patriarchy, so why would I see value in myself? I must outperform everyone in the room if I want to set foot in it.
A conditioning handed to Black women through trauma dates back to the “discovery” of what we call America. Our children for generations have been forced to “maintain” this country while the door has continued to be shut in our faces after being invited into the room. I see it happen so often, I wonder how everyone hasn’t picked up on this pattern recognition yet. Maybe it’s not that people don’t see it, but are deciding to focus on what they can control.
A hard lesson I might forever be a student in.
This semester is hyper-focused on trying to regulate my nervous system. I would call it an obsession, actually, because I can’t think of anything better to do than something that will bring me calmness in the moment. Peace is almost like a drug once you get a little taste of it.
No cloudy thoughts, no more bending over backward for people who expect you to bend without breaking.
I still find myself cooking dinner early in the morning, but now it’s a few hours later than normal. Sleeping in has been a result of a more regulated nervous system. Since my father’s death, I’ve realized how much I truly love to cook and how much it heals me. The stillness in the moment, the focus on the cuts and gentle stirs. Those intentional steps taken to transform a family pack of chicken legs, a couple of potatoes, with a few handfuls of green beans into what we call comfort food, or food for the soul.
That’s how my words feel now when I write, like love letters to my soul.
My soul has been crying for so long to be seen, heard, loved, accepted, desired, or maybe just valued a little. All my life, I have chased outside of myself to be shown my worth, and I’ve been met with a mirror reflecting to me the lack of self-worth I carry. Was the idea that our worth is based on how the world views us in the fine print in the textbooks? Who was teaching this class in school, or what departments received this information in college? I personally just finally realized the world only values me once I learn to value myself. I’m in a season of not only teaching others how to love me properly, but also learning how to receive love unconditionally.
I had to learn what that looks like in real time for me, not for the girls on the internet sharing what they are doing. During a long talk in the mirror with myself, I told myself that we need to make our joy the priority over everything now. Because I understand that joy is not a moment in that life shifts completely, no, joy comes in pockets of experiences we create for ourselves. Without the fluffy crap of making a list of activities that bring me joy or make me happy, I just started doing things that genuinely made my shoulders drop just a little bit. I found myself doing things that allowed me to connect with a version of myself I almost left behind.
It was like my body was waiting for my mind to finally decide we were worth the joy. Over the past five years, I’ve been on my self-discovery journey, learning all of the things that bring me joy, peace, and happiness. Once I started to seek balance in my life, I put it all together. We create joy, peace, and happiness in our lives by doing things that we enjoy, resulting in us experiencing more balance in our lives.
There’s no perfect moment in our lives when things just become better. I thought the happy ever after ending to my story was going to start once I moved into that beautiful apartment with the loft and big windows. Instead, boom, a few weeks later, my mom moved in with me, and my dad died the next day. I ain’t been the same since. Life has had me by my edges so bad, either I’m putting the wig back on or I’m going back bald, but this time by choice. The happy ever after is the narrative you cultivate for your life.
Every morning, I take a walk before I write or sit at my desk to work; this is now a non-negotiable in my life. No one can stop me from taking my morning walks, and nothing can prevent me from this necessity for my life. The coffee shop experience is a treat for me for showing up. I stopped bringing drinks home to my family because it was taking away from the experience being for me. I had to learn to be selfish with the parts of my routine that I curated for myself.
I’ve been reclaiming my joy again. No longer shrinking myself to the limitations of what once was and living in the now of what is. Shower meditations paired with EFT tapping and lymphatic drainage massages are like a reset button that centers me instantly. Rest looks different now; if I’m not feeling it, then I’m not forcing it.
Regulating my nervous system put me back in connection with my body, and I’ve been paying attention to what foods my body responds to in both positive and negative ways. Balance looks like me taking those small actions to make eating for my body easier, which allows me to rest without guilt. Work days are shortened now that I understand it’s never the expectation for me to complete the business mission in one work day. Instead, I paid attention to when my body works best, and I plan my tasks around my natural rhythm.
And one of my biggest accomplishments with these new changes is that I finally gave myself the permission to succeed. I have silently suffered from the fear of success because usually that comes with someone in the background waiting for your downfall. If I dream out loud and it works, will they still support me? And I learned some will stop supporting, but more will stay and continue as new support comes in double the size that left. The key to success is defining it for yourself first and showing up in a way that’s authentic to you. These things will make it easy for you to stay consistent, because that’s what builds trust.
I’m not talking about gaining others’ trust either, part of regulating your nervous system is regaining your trust again. The goal is to trust yourself enough to receive love from within, no matter what is said outside of you. Only you experience your joy, so we are in full control of creating more joy in our everyday reality, no matter what is going on outside of ourselves. At least, that’s what this pivot is teaching me.
xoxo!
Thank you for a community of 2k readers!
Did you know this publication is a little over a year old, and already we have grown into a community of over 2,000 readers and writers? In this past year, you have been with me while I have documented my journey of finding home. You witnessed me not only settle at home in California, but also within myself. As a gift to you from me, I am emptying the clip this year on all my ideas and allowing my creativity to take the lead again. When I do this, my life has proven to get at least a million times better, and this sad girl could use some better days.
With that said, let’s call this the soft launch to an extension of my documentation. Sometimes writing comes from being out in nature, and the beauty of life draws in the inspiration. Those same moments spark deep conversations that I usually have with myself, just me and my audio recorder. For a few months, I’ve been feeling the divine push to share, but I had enough on my plate; however, I fear I may have been holding myself back. So here’s to a new era of Chronicles of Change, the publication that embraces the pivot.
I look forward to reintroducing myself again and again. And I hope you embrace your chronicles of change, too!
Share this post