romanticizing a new identity.
Sometimes the reality of not being the person we romanticize becoming can trigger a downward spiral. But is that how your new identity would handle it?
I got a notification from my Pattern app (if you don’t know about Pattern, please check it out). It said something that inspired this post. It didn’t trigger any negative feelings or my old victim mindset. For the first time on my self-discovery journey, I was inspired to dive deeper to explore and reflect on something I had not considered in my relationships before. I want to share the post with you, and you let me know what you felt after reading it.
Reflect on what part of you feels like you have to perform to gain validation from your relationships.
Reflection
When initially reading the message, I immediately agreed that I tend to perform in my relationship. What I didn’t realize was I have been subconsciously doing it to gain validation. Naturally, my mind wondered what the definition of validation actually means and how often am I seeking validation. To my surprise, validation in relationships is described as a communication skill used to help both parties feel heard and understood. Whether you agree or disagree with the person when validating their emotions you are demonstrating that you are listening to understand their point of view.
However, to desire validation from someone else is where things get interesting. To seek validation from anyone or anything outside of you suggests that you are not validating that part of yourself. Subconsciously, we look for approval and agreement from others in what we believe say, or do. So the question becomes, what part of yourself have you not accepted authentically to where you feel you need to perform?
Whew.
I asked my wife if she feels she performs in her relationships to seek validation and she agreed that a part of her does this. The discussion got me thinking about the moments I do seek validation from people and it is usually only when I am making a big decision and want confirmation. AH-HA! That’s it! I have been associating validation with confirmation that what I feel, believe, or say is true. My habit is going to someone I trust who has achieved my goal to verify that my plan is authentic and their confirmation allows me to believe what I feel is factual. In hindsight, validation holds the same weight as confirmation in my eyes although they are different. Things that are outside of my control (there goes that damn control again) are the things I tend to seek validation for because I want someone else to confirm it to be true.
But the word “perform” kept sticking out to me from the prompt, and sent me down another rabbit hole. How do I perform in my relationships, what examples can I reflect on to show me how I perform? Then it happened, my father-in-law asked us how the apartment search was going. Every time he asks that question I am triggered because I know he wants us to move into our own space and out of his, at least that is the trauma I am still carrying from my mother’s actions and words. I went into autopilot with my response, and in real-time I witnessed myself perform. The part of me that performs in my relationships is the same part of me that aims to please the people who make me feel inferior to them. Through performing my ego process believe that they will valid or approve of me.
Romanticizing a New You
Everything is perfect, but there is a lot of room for improvement. - Shunryu Suzuki
I don’t know about you, but I love when life gives me a full-circle moment. This morning as I am writing another notification pops up on my phone from my Insight meditation app with the quote above. The message could not be more aligned with my next thoughts. Would you dare validate yourself without confirmation from anyone or anything outside of yourself? Could you accept yourself and reality as perfect just as it is, and understand there is still room for you to improve into the version of yourself you romanticize?
Transparent Moment: Since living in California my acceptance of outer appearance has been difficult. I have a couple, literally two, outfits that I have been wearing in rotation. One pair of shoes, which happen to be Crocs. My haircut isn’t giving fierce anymore nor is my style. I feel basic, very basic. I look in the mirror and I’m shocked that who I see looking back at me is, well, me. “How did I get like this?”, I ask myself. The reason I’m having this huge disconnect with accepting who I see in the mirror is that I’ve romanticized the California version of myself.
You see, California me wakes up at 4:30 am during the week to stretch first thing. During this time she is drinking her water, taking her vitamins and supplements, meditating, and journaling. She is focused on her mind, body, and soul. Daily hot girl walks, pilates classes, regular beach walks with family and a true boss when it comes to her business. You see this version of me is already me, I do these things but there are a few things I have not been able to add into my routine yet. Physically, I know what I desire to achieve but my current reality is far from that.
My body is stiff and aches a hot girl walks in Crocs leaves my legs crapped, stretching would be amazing but there is no space for me to other than outside and I don’t have a mat to stretch on. We aren’t close to the beach now which has been hard on me, and paying for pilates before moving into our home just seems wild to me. So accepting my reality as perfect is very difficult because I know there is so much more room to improve. But how could we combat this feeling? How can we accept ourselves as perfect with room for improvement? How can we romanticize our new identity without looking down on our current self?
The Answer
For me the answer that comes up is self-validation. Affirming who you are today with gratitude for being better than you once were and resilience enough to strive for even better. If you find yourself needing constant validation the cure is self-care. Our self-esteem is sometimes manipulated by our perception of our self-worth. The antidote to a lack of self-worth is unconditional self-worth.
I’m learning that the self-discovery journey will often lead you on multiple little quests along the way. My physical quest to California was a pivot to my unconditional self-worthiness journey. I would not be speaking my truth if I did not admit this has been my most difficult quest, EVER! No other reason but the fact that I struggle to see myself as worthy of anything I am being blessed with. My conditioned belief is that I have to work hard to earn the things I desire, and I’ve not worked hard enough to be deserving of the highrise luxury apartment I so desperately desire.
You see the words used when I speak my truth, “not worked hard enough to be deserving”. I chose to share my authentic language because through my writing I am healing myself. By being honest with myself I am accepting my truth. Just because I am accepting my truth does not mean this is the truth. Read that again.
So you might be asking, well Jacquie what is the truth then? The truth is the things we are reminded of when we take the time to nurture ourselves with self-care, the signs, and synchronicities that affirm that we are on the right path. The truth is when we look our best, we feel our best. If we love ourselves in our love language, we free ourselves from the ego’s process of protection. See, our ego is not what you’ve been told that it is. It’s not a version of you that thinks it’s superior to the world, it’s our inferior version.
Growing up when things happened that caused us to feel emotions that we did not know how to properly regulate, whatever process we experienced at that time to regulate our nervous system is what the ego programmed itself to do automatically for us. This started at a very early age and continued to develop over the years, and we still live by those programmed processes until we reprogram them. And we do this through affirming ourselves. My ego’s process has been reprogramming conditional self-worth with unconditional self-worth through my quest. The physical experiences that have taken place have allowed me to reshape the way I view life. I am deserving of everything my heart desires because I have been committed to my self-discovery journey in a way that is unconventional. Most people do not take the leap of faith because of the uncertainty, but I have learned to embrace uncertainty.
When my depression comes up, I don’t suppress it anymore, I’ve learned to sit with it. I understand it doesn’t have to last for weeks or days, or even the day anymore. I don’t have to rot until I feel better, and most importantly no one is coming to save me simply because they cannot save me from myself. My beliefs about myself are what I need saving from because my thoughts are not the truth.
The truth is I have always been deserving of love and the more I gave myself quality time, the more I experienced unconditional love that led me to a happy marriage. I have always deserved to move away from “home and my family” to start my family traditions in our home, the more I experienced unconditional self-worthiness I put my daughter on her first flight and we moved to California to plant our roots. The truth is I’ve always deserved financial freedom, and the more I experience unconditional creativity money flows to me effortlessly. You see, the truth is our reality is a reflection of our conditioned or unconditional self-worthiness. The less we perform for validation, the more we can validate our authenticity and experience life without conditions.
So I ask you to reflect on what part of you feels like you have to perform to gain validation from your relationships. Allow the comments to be a safe space for us to speak our truths and let a supportive community affirm you with the truth.
Initially, I thought I reached the end of this piece but there are a few more things I am feeling a push to share. One is this TEDxTalk. I’ve listened to this many times on the Insight app since it initiated my unconditional self-worthiness journey. You may notice several things mentioned in this video are aligned with the flow of my discoveries. As I listened to this speech I felt energy tensing up with my left shoulder, which led me to shift into my self-validation regimen. I used visualization in my shower to wash away the remnants of limiting beliefs and activate my new identity’s integration. Then I used EFT tapping to move that tension in my body out while activating the integration.
That’s when the clarity came in.
Message: You own the AMEX Black Card to life, it's in your possession all you need to do is activate it.
As I tapped my left collarbone and under my arm, the tension moved out through my fingertips giving mobility in my neck and shoulder. Everything just suddenly clicked, my worthiness was measured based on my standard of perfectionism. Adia Gooden talks about her experience that triggered my own experience with achieving perfectionism to gain worthiness. I questioned myself which standards I live by that require me to be perfect, and I realized it was society. If only I could be perfect to achieve the American Dream. You know, that’s when you have it all right? The happiness, the freedom, the love, and the wealthy lifestyle.
Wait a minute. My life is already a dream, bigger than the American Dream because it’s cultivated specifically for me. So if my dream is bigger than the dream of the societal norm, then respectfully fuck their standards of perfection. I’m perfect just the way I am.
As I wrap up this piece I checked my email and got a promotional email about a special my dream apartment in my dream location is offering. Free application fee and free deposit. Do you think it’s a sign? After the self-care, and the nurturing, here come the signs and synchronicities to affirm THE TRUTH. Manifesting that June’s first piece will come from my writing desk at HOME!
Aesthetics/Vibes: Orange, Citrus Scents, Peppermint Scent, Pine, Palm Trees, Sunrise/Sunset, Beach/Ocean, Warmth from Sun, 808, 555, Mangos, 420, Smoking, Creative Outlets, Coloring, Gardening, Plants, Espresso Martinis, Matcha lattes, Home Decor, Style/Fashion, Music, Vinyl Records, Self-care, Luxury, Focus, Peace
I am so grateful for the community being built here on Chronicles of Change and I am excited to say I have officially sent my book to be published. The feedback has been heartwarming with the overwhelming responses of new perspectives after just the Preface. Because this platform is built on transparency and vulnerability I am going to be honest when I say I want this book to be a best-seller. I am manifesting Un-Trap Da Hood as a hood classic in every black household as we collectively did for Bell Hooks. My first round of preorders will be mailed out at the end of this month. I wanted to presell 100 copies with my signature and I’ve gone the extra mile to purchase and embroider to stamp the title page before I sign. Still, I cannot believe I sold my double digits in my first preorder round. Now activated in my new identity I am manifesting that the last 88 preorder copies are sold out before I send the first round. If you would like to purchase your copy CLICK HERE to be redirected to my website, and if now is the time for you I understand that’s why I post to engage with the community.
Looking forward to reading your book!
I love that you romanticize your life with collages. My pinterest boards paint the picture of a perfect life that I someday hope to get a glimpse of. From wardrobe and makeup tips to future homes and vacation spots. Thanks for sharing this!